You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you



I don't like to be sad. But I am feeling sad right now. Not sad because my Boyfriend quarrel with me, yet sad because of my family affairs. I really hate it so badly till I wish I can just leave this house immediately. No one is true and everyone is wearing masks in the family. Emotions caused by them are nothing but pure sadness. Everytime there's something that happened, the first thing to be blamed is me. Like I said, I wish family stuffs can be fine, yet I was wrong. Dad still isn't talking to me, Mum still deemed as a stealer, Sis is still a fucking hyprocrite, Bro is just someone who doesn't care anything. No one bothers to give me a listening ear except my love. But I understand he is busy with his phone & I don't wish to grumble to him. He is sick of hearing my family stuffs, because the stuffs are nothing but constantly the same. I don't wish to trouble him with my family stuffs cos I do not wish to see him upset with me. Really wish something can make me happier. Having my love is the best thing I have ever received so far. Family issues ain't going nowhere, yet I feel nothing but just sadness. Something I loathe. Sometimes, I wish I can fight back like Boyfriend did, but I failed to do so. I admit I ain't the best daughter cos I quarrelled badly with dad, shout back at mum & come home really late. But I've changed, but it seemed no one knows except me and people who knows me really well. How great can that be? I wish I have the courage my Boyfriend has. Openly tell his mother off about this generation and stop comparing. I know this day will never come for me, because I am not as brave as Boyfriend. I admire his bravery & I wish to be like him but it is so impossible. I don't know how to start when my family is like that. Impossible to change. I do not wish to be a burden for Boyfriend yet I want to be a normal girl which he loves and take good care of. Boyfriend is always teaching what's right for me, & what's bad for me. I am grateful for that, but seriously family affairs are enough to make me fucked up. I do not have normal parents. I have parents who doesn't seemed to know anything and deeming me. I admit I have did wrong things, but I stopped. I have a change of heart now, I am not a girl like last time. I stopped my misdeeds, & do nothing but stuffs that are right. Since the day I stepped feet into ITE, nothing is smooth sailing except Boyfriend and friends. Family are forever giving a face. I thought of working then studying Poly, then many attitudes were seen and I was deemed as the hopeless & useless one at home. Mother love to accuse me to steal her money which I did not because stealing ain't a good thing & can land in jail. Sister love to accuse me taking her pens, I did not and I have the cash to buy. Did many mistakes once, but I have a change of heart & being a good person now. What have I done to deserve all this? I don't hate life, but I hate being me. Probably this is part of life, I guess? My Aunty once told me "What you may have now, just bear with it! Who knows when you grow up, you might have a good husband and children that loves you!". This sentence of mine has motivated me in many different ways but still, sometimes my will inside me failed me. But I know I mustn't forget what Boyfriend and Aunty say. Boyfriend also once told me "No point being sad, your family is liddat jiu liddat lo.". His sentence and my aunty's sentence have enabled me to overcome dozens of painful and hurtful stuffs. I fight through them & still I am here. Ain't going to give up on fate, yet being really positive. I know it will just end in a matter of time. Maybe one year, two year, three year or whatsoever. I guess I am just being fine right now. Because after many thoughts, I must settle down my thoughts and not think anymore. It is best to smile than to hurt myself. In life, there are different types of people living in the world. I mustn't hate life because I want to be happy! Happiness is my favourite thing to do, Sadness is definitely a NoNo. Honestly speaking, that's why I always say my favourite quote "After A Heavy Storm Comes The Beautiful Rainbow". This sentence cures me alot, so I will smile.

& It sucks being me,
It sucks being who I am,
It sucks want to cry but no one is there,
It sucks having the ones you love leaving you alone
It sucks when you thought they love you but they doesn't
It sucks no one is there to talk to you,
It sucks when you hope for miracles but there isn't,
It sucks crying so painfully to yourself,
It sucks when you realise only a few is there,
It sucks losing the love you once have,
It sucks giving a dozen of love but you get nothing,
It sucks you can only crave for sugary stuffs but can't get it
It sucks being in my shoes
IT REALLY SUCKS LIKE FUCK!

P/S ; If anyone cares, buy me any candy to prove to me you read my post or give me an SMS or tag me, that's all I ask for <3

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