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Tell you the truth i lost my faith in you
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There's a party in my closet calling all skeletons
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A post filled with words.
Sunday, May 23, 2010 AT 9:32:00 PM ★
Thank You For Letting Me Believe What's Love
Today is another start of the day, where everything starts again. My weekends are normally spent either with Boyfriend♥ or stuck at home. That's how I usually spent my weekends. When I spent with Boyfriend♥, I will usually stuck at his house watching him sleep, eating and doing things he love. As for when I stay at home, I have 2 choices. One is to watch teevee which can be a choice that's quite hard because teevee will be preoccupied with people watching. Next, its to use the computer which has been a daily thing. I can spend hours in the computer just by doing simple things eg : Blog, play games, Facebook-ing. Simple as that. Yes, I am indeed an introvert. But I don't know since when that habit occurs inside me. My life at home circulates only at the computer just like my little brother, Brice. Yea, kinda similar though. Many things have been running in my head lately. Quite stupid but I have no idea why all this will enter me. Guess, I am just doing some soul-searching. Amusingly.
I seriously feel out of place. Feel nothing but just a piece of shit in your eyes. I tried my best amending the barrier in between us. But nothing seemed to work. One miserable action is ENOUGH to prove everything. Do you know how much it hurts, hurts so much till I don't know how much can I bear the pain. I love you, yet because of all those things that happened over the years. You still prefer to throw me at one corner, leaving to fend myself. Yes, I know I am abit too quiet sometimes. But I've been trying. I tell myself a lot of times. I must do something. I feel shit. Am I still a part of this family? AM I?! :( I don't dare to confront you anymore. Don't dare to say a single thing. You are making me feel fearful more than anything else. You happily bring everyone to celebrate Brice's birthday EXCEPT ME! Because of a simple reason 'I am busy', you chose not to even call or bother to inform me. What's this? Am I really just a piece of transparent paper to you? I told you 'I love you' before I head down to chalet & nothing seemed to work. You stopped giving me allowance, giving me cold shoulder. What's best is, you don't even talk to me :( How much you want me to feel? I am a human and I have feelings. I don't know what you are thinking. Just because I go into ITE, commit some silly stuffs last time, you condemned me. What's this? Please give me the love I want to feel, can? I have been trying so much, did my best to even have little conversations with you. I TRIED SO MUCH, but can you see? You are heading Malaysia with Mum, and YOU WOULD RATHER HANG $100 to sister who is younger than me instead of me. Seriously, in your eyes am I already being so hated by you? Please say so, will you? Does it even make a difference if I go Poly?! If I flunk, how? I wish to do things of my own, NOT do things because you asked me to. I have my own wish. Until now, I have been giving a lot of deep thoughts due to POLY. :( I do think, I seriously do think but no one knows, no one bothers. You only care for grades, care for those who give you respect. I did give you, and always giving you. Because I quarreled with you, because I got 30 slaps from you in total, you rather ignore me, heck care about me. What's with this cold shoulder? You rather hide from me anything, & make me not part of this family. I don't know much now, you kept ignoring me, & do we have to become like this in the road along? I am cracking CONVERSATIONS with you, but you and Mum let me feel as if I am being given away to Desmond. Please, he's just my Boyfriend♥. Does it have to be this way? I don't want this way but you seemed to choose this way already. Desmond doted on me, but does it even you have to give me away. I have feelings, I don't want to stop confronting because I am afraid already. Everything inside me is dying. :( I thought counselling works the other time, in the end we are back to a square one. What have I done to deserve all this? Yes I love Aunt, I love her family, I love Desmond's family because they are ALL A FAMILY! They hang out together, they have conversations TOGETHER. Yet I have NOTHING. Mom don't buy me clothes, shoes or anything I need. As long as it is below $10, I get it. Or else, I have to earn for myself. I got nothing already. But what else you all want from me to make me feel loved by you again :( The feelings feel shit, feel crappish. But how? What can I do about that. I want to talk to you IN YOUR FACE, but courage fails me. :( I tried earning my family back, BUT NOTHING WORKS. I have to even save my own $$ to buy things of my own. I have to learn things through Desmond and my own help or else I am left to fend myself. Many people give me consoling words, BUT when they see this, they know. How much more can I take this? Do I really have to go Poly just to receive your forgiveness? Please, tell me what you want to be my family. Be the family who treated me as one. I don't ask for hanging out together, buying things for me, all I just want is talk to me, let me feel the love you always do, can?
I may love my Boyfriend♥ but I do love my family. But what's the point of when I keep trying, nothing works :( I am on the verge of giving up but I am telling myself not to. I still harbour a hope, a hope that we will be back as a family. Oh well, I did a lot of soul searching. Apart from family, it is also none other than my Boyfriend♥. I did a lot of thinking on him also. Realized, he's really nice to me just I didn't appreciate yet keep hurting him like fck. Guess, today is a day I did many thinking.. so just ignore if you can't stand my emotions! But seriously, without Boyfriend♥, I wouldn't be who I am now. Thanks to Aunt & Boyfriend♥, I have learnt many lesson. Learnt to be a sensible and understanding girl. But must specially thank my Boyfriend♥ because we have gone through a lot of quarrels to be this strong. Many times, I almost lose him but thankfully we are back to normal. I love you, Boyfriend♥.
You pinpointed my flaws and tell me to be a better person.I hope to see my rainbow soon enough. I guess it takes time, time for everything to be back to normal :> Afterall, I just want all those unhappiness to fade away & I just want to love Boyfriend♥ always. That's all it matters. Towards family wise, let nature take it course. Ohhhhyaaaa, I made a new friend which is some FAMOUS blogger! Some competition I took part in Nuffnang, he won almost EVERYTHING. Damn envious in his blog lah! ;/ Know why? Cos his skills in blogging is OHMYGAWD good! Anyways that FAMOUS blogger, right? He is from the same school as me ; College East! What's best is he knows who is Mr Adam & Mr Victor and under the SAME DEPARTMENT AS ME. What's sucks is I have never seen him before -.- World so small but just never seen each other before. Maybe we even crossed paths, I also don't know! Anyways his name is Hong Peng. I am FREAKING jealous of his blog :( Damn chiooo! Especially the way he joined those compeitions. DAMNN! :/ Anyways, I am not PROMPTING him, just damn stunned with this new friend. Same school, same department yet NEVER SEEN BEFORE :( So sad can ;/ Okay, maybe my classmates seen him? idk? ;x Haha, give you his link! :> Anyways, NICE TO KNOW YOU, Hong Peng! :> Hpility's Link! :)
You taught me how to give and take towards everything.
You quarreled with me because you just want me to change.
You has been always there but I was blinded by obstacles.
You give me the strength to love you once again like always.
You endlessly give me a chance to make things right all over again.
You teach me what are the things I should have learnt since young.
You are the reason why I know I can love you since that date.
You stop spending money on me because you want me to know the value of money.
You been the best Boyfriend♥ I have since 10'10'2008, 0320am
I don't know how much gratitude can I tell you. You seriously guided me through a lot of things. More things than anyone else. Because of you, I learnt what's right and wrong. But from deep in my heart, I apologize the harmful words I said and those false accusations my family throw on you. You have been the best Boyfriend♥ who give and take towards me. No man has did what you did for me. You are a guy that I know I love always. You're that special & that's how much I want to tell you. I love you more than words can say. I know actions speak louder than words. Thank you for your love, I promise you I will be a better girlfriend for you. I won't commit those mistakes I also does. I will not be so silly to push my luck and do silly things again. I want to love you and I meant to love you for a lifetime. I know a lifetime is not enough because I love you more than any woman has ever does. Joanne has left you and its my turn to build a lovely future with you. For you're the man I want to love. I know all this sound mushy but always know that, okay.
Boyfriend♥ I love you.
& What's mine will be mine
What's not mine will not be mine
The sentence that helped me moved on after Jordan.
So therefore, it applies to me & my r/s with my family.
Whether I get them back or not, I just gotta try
Try till the day it is fixed that they ain't mine.
Emotional as I am, but that's how much I want to express.
I love Daddy, Mummy, Brice, Chelsie & Boyfriend♥.
That's all I wish to say from deep inside my heart. :)
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