No matter how much I try, I still don't feel like I am the priority. Somehow, somewhere inside me, I really want to feel happiness. But it seemed that, the emptiness in my heart is still feeling empty. No matter how much I try to fill it, it doesn't seemed to be full. Always at a point of time, it is empty all over again. Sometimes the more you hope it is getting full, it doesn't get full yet it start to be drained again. The more you hope to feel to be a priority, but it is almost impossible. Somewhere inside me, I want to feel like a priority towards every single thing, but I don't feel that way towards everything. No feeling of being a priority yet a sidekick. Sometimes I cherish something but people doesn't. Maybe just two different world, different lifestyle. The things I bothered are actually the things that people doesn't bother. People doesn't care, doesn't bother, yet I care so much. No matter how much I try myself to stop caring, stop bothering, I always fail. Life sucks. But so what? My family life, my love life, I am still suck when I am the character in it. My life is never smooth like boat. Yet is is always rough like a durian, full of thorns. Caring so much can cause more harm. I do wonder what things am I capable in life? I really have no idea. What's wrong or what? I do hate myself for what I am. I admit that. I need love so badly, maybe I want so badly? I need it so badly but I am the one giving out. What's with the world? Maybe just me demanding too much and not receiving any. I do hope I can be stronger, more independent. But it doesn't seemed to be that way. Honestly speaking, I am stubborn, stupid, hopeless, but I am trying to change. The more I try, the more worst. I don't wish to count daily, I want to count year by year. My life sucks. I am stupid, I want to grow up. Maybe it is me always being so stupid and silly, thinking I am doing it correctly but I am not. I suck right from the beginning. But who can reach out the other hand? I need a listening ear. I need someone to tell me in my face, that I am still being loved and people care. In my life, I treat occasion special b'coz I never had big celebration or anyone cares. I never had chalet, family there or what singing birthday song for me, or celebrating with me. I never celebrate occasion with me but no one cared about my feelings. My emotion. All they do is just ignore me. What to do? Maybe this is my life. I guess so. I don't dare to think about tomorrow sometimes, its due to cos everytime I hope for something good during a tomorrow, nothing good comes well. Fears cause all this shit, but who cares? Only I care. I don't know who are the ones in my priority list. I put in priority list, but it is still opposite. What to do? Reality. Emotion kill big time. But how? Human are born with emotions. Feeling sad/happy/angry or what, it is still emotion. I guess I am only good at words, pouring my emotions via words. That's the best inside me. What else am I good at? I don't know I don't know. Hopeless me. Okay, I shall not brood over it. I shall not be emotional. I shall go stop blogging, and stop whining.

& When you are sad,
Try to think of happy stuffs.
But they doesn't neccessary work.
Because this is how reality works sometimes.

Labels: #1261

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