Sometimes the more you hope that those memories never exist before, the more the memories still appear in your mind. There are many parts of my memories I wish to erase of, but I know they are impossible b'coz all this memories that have pass are lesson in life. I don't know to feel unhappy or happy. It is so difficult to say those feelings out. I have already live 18 years of my life already. So many things coming in and out. I have loads of memories, regardless it is a silly, funny, cute, sad, happy or more feelings, you simply just cherish them. Sometimes I think my life really sucks when I think about those suckish memories, but I think my life is really happy when I think about those happy ones. Memories are special, whether it is pain or not at least they are memories.

I have certain memories I wish they should just fade away. For example, I did wish before I wish I didn't know my First Love. I don't have memories about him at all, I wish I never have fallen in love and study harder instead of the pain in my life. But when I thought about it, I think I am very silly. Without him, I wouldn't experience other things and even know Desmond. If not for love, I wouldn't experience what's like of fallen in and out of love. Well, Randal, Dexter, Jordan, Marc, Weijun.. Or maybe even Edwin, Heng Fok Han, Leonard Ong and others.. Whether it is crushes or fallen in love, together hand in hand, without them, I wouldn't learn those little things in my life. With them, I have learnt so many thing about relationship. The memories with them are etched in my heart, but just maybe hidden somewhere still I don't even think about it anymore. B'coz what's past is past, but usually it is the memories that stay in the mind. You know apart from relationship. Friendship also play a major role. Like I said, I still do miss her a lot. Many might be able to guess it.. Yes, indeed. It is Winnie. I don't regret spending those years with her, even right now I am typing this. I don't know if she reads or not, but I express my feelings out. The memories we spend is kept always. Maybe forever. Probably only memories with her are the things I am left with. Past relationship, I can bury them. But towards her, it is impossible. I can't bring myself to say goodbye. I still love her, still. Until today, she is in my heart. So what I have Jonathan, Vivian, Celia, Shafiqah, Siyi, Joelle or whoever in my life, she is irreplacable. I know this is the selfish feeling of me, but I really only care about her, want her as my best friend. Unless someone can prove it to me that they deserve, I might consider but I won't 100% forget her. Desmond is already the best distraction and best Boyfriend that appear in my lie. Sweetness, Sourness, Bitterness or what, he's all that I can ask for. Friendship , she is the most important, I must really confess. I believe I have neglected a lot of friends in my relationship with Desmond. But partly I am also at fault, I have become anti social. I can feel it, I can sense myself. Round and round, things happening here and there. But afterall, this is how life works. Many people are equally important to me, I believe they can know my meaning too.

If you want to ask me, what is one thing I wish to erase from my memory? I will tell you my Secondary School. But on second thoughts, I will tell you I don't wish to erase any memories at all b'coz all the memories are the lesson and valuable things I have experienced. It is not easy to grow up, but I know I have grown. Grown to face many things. Not easy, so what? I have to do it, must do it. Everyday we are learning something, best to learn rather than forget. I am not the best, but I make an effort to change things around. Probably what I am saying has no link but I wish to express myself, say words. Probably I am silly, crazy, weak but that's how I kept learning and growing. Things doesn't usually go the way it should be, but this is how it is supposed to be. Am I being silly or what? I feel like saying, guess sometimes when the emotions come. You can't help it but think about it. I am not feeling sad, just feel like expressing myself. Reality works this way.. No matter how shitty it goes, must just face it.

Memories. I don't know. This word always trigger a lot of things inside me. Maybe this is dumb but no choice, I am just like that. Having many things are just the thing. Well, maybe I am seeing things in a different way but I am still me. Probably that's how I am, making an effort to be someone but sometimes it is just so hard. What to do? Well, all I know now is I want to create many memory with him, and be happy always. Now I am done saying what I want to say & I want to sleep. Let's face tomorrow a happy one and what's best is make everyday a beautiful memory that lingers forever.