Are You Testing My Limits? Or Keeping Out The Best For Me?
OH MY GAWD! I AM SO BORED!
Someone, chat with me or something. :< Bby♥ has started 4 days of work, yet I am still at home! What the fuck! Finding a proper job is so difficult and I swear I hate it :< I dislike the idea of finding a job which is so difficult. ): I seriously want to cry already! >< I am freaking bored at home :< Well, I know finding a job will take up almost the rest of your lives but does it mean that I have to stay at home for the rest of my lives? I don't get it :< yes, I am eager to get a job but Bby♥ thinks I am incapable ): Oh whatever, another long story. But seriously, I want to work hard for our future yet not sitting at home and rot. I admit I have been a lazy bum since forever, but times has changed. I want to be someone that I can be proud of myself. I don't know why but lately, a lot of thoughts come upon me after what you tell me. I don't wish to be a useless piece of shit, I want to be a better person! >< I want to prove the world, that I am not a useless piece of crap. Seriously, I see you working yet I am not working. I hate it, I want to earn money for our future, I want the best of us. I dislike sitting here and rotting, using the computer. What's more, having you disapproving whatever I show you. For your sake, I source for job towards my benefits and the feedback I get from you is SHIT! I am fed up but how? Bby♥, are you doing for my interest or what? I dislike the idea of not knowing what to do ):

I know I have waste quite an amount of my life but I am determined to change my life totally. I don't want to be dependent on my family yet I want to show the world I am not a useless bum and most importantly, I want to have the perseverance in change my own life. I know I have never ever work before except attachment and tuition center. But seriously, I am making the effort of 'Willingness to change and be different.' I have regret many things in life but I can't move backwards! I have to keep moving on and on. But seriously I NEED SUPPORT especially you, Bby♥. I am not upset or what, is just I don't know what you want me to do. I am very glad you are willing to teach me importance of life, the differences in work and everything. I am glad you are always teaching me things that I don't know. But do you know, everytime you shoot me with your question, I am afraid to answer you. But I know my answer deep down is I want to change and I have the heart to learn despite I have to be independent. Yes I may be a sucker towards independent but I am willing to give the effort to change my whole world round. I know IAP was a bad scar for both of us, but history won't repeat. I know I have misjudged and misled by you and everything but please get this. Now, it is two different issues. :< I am tired of making you upset. I rather give up than consult you. I rather keep quiet and not do anything unless you want to do with me. I don't care if you read this post or not but I am getting depression soon at this rate. I am not blaming you for anything yet I am just blaming myself. I want to get a proper job, make you proud, make our living better. But sometimes your 'I don't know, no comments' disappoint me badly, I don't know what to do, you know. Seriously if you keep saying all this, I rather I rot at home.

Rot at home to the extend of till you want me to get a fucking job. I know partly the reason is I am still too dependent on you, I am like a burden you can't let go, another reason is my mom. You are hoping those you wish for does not happen at all. I can list all the numerous reason. It is fine with me on you not saying, I am seriously okay. But sometimes, can you feel my fire of wanting to learn, wanting to be independent. I am not finding a job to shut their fucking mouth, I am finding because I want to learn to be independent, I want to start growing up, I don't want to sadden you further and lastly, give us a better future. I don't mind getting scolded, I don't mind facing difficulties cos I know in life, you have to grow up and face all obstacles. I can say so many words, but I know it is the actions that beats everything else. I am tired of grumbling or whining. I am already giving up finding a fucking job but it always make you unhappy. That's the only thing I can do. I am tired of whining. Yes, yesterday your talk on my regrets. As I mentioned, I have regrets in my life and you woke me up. I make the effort to slowly sit down and sit yet in the end, comments returned are all that. When can you see my change? I am really wanna to show you proud and be a better girl. I have no idea, I guess I never have! I dislike the thought of unhappiness. Maybe after grumbling, I shall go and sleep. After sleeping, I will be fine especially grumbling. Grumbling helps, sleeping helps and I guess my life just have to be this way until it finally change. I hope so

Maybe I have shown you display of me being very relying on you but I really need you to know I have to break out of my circle, I have to work for our future. I don't know whether will we have a future together or not. But I want to work hard, I want to have money, I want to be independent, I want to let you know I am willing to learn and grow up. You have guided me in my life. My parents doesn't give a fucking care about my independent or what yet you are there showering me with hopes and love unconditionally but sometimes you just stab me unknowingly. I know this is in your character but what have I to say? I don't know how to prove to you but at least feel my effort in changing, in wanting to create something different in my life. I never dare to say all this because I am afraid of you, you know? Seriously, I am afraid of you pouring cold water, saying stuffs you know I dislike but all because I know this is your character. I rather keep mum , keep my mouth zip , because you are always right, I am always wrong. I don't complain yet hope for a miracle. A miracle for us to be happy together and you understanding all my intentions of wanting to let you feel proud of me. All I want to is to gain recognition and acknowledgement of you by seeing me grow up, seeing me proving you I can be a person you can be proud of.

& I hope for that miracle.
I really hope that miracle comes,
B'coz I have already given up.
Whether it rise and awaken again,
I don't dare to think yet I will keep trying.
Maybe not showing you, just trying in my ways.
Afterall, you're my priority.
I only care your welfare.
Yes or No, I am okay because I guess you're the one I only listen.

Labels: #1380

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