If Only Negativity Never Exist, Life Will Be Much Cheerful For Me
I am in a terrible mood, b'coz I am a fucking paranoid, weird, crazy, emotional, depressed bitch. D: I am not in the best shape now. I am just going mad over my emotions! :/ Fucking depressed lately, someone give me a cure. Lol, I think I want to visit IMH real soon ): Because, seriously I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I even think of, suicidal. It feels like my time is coming, I might wanna pay a visit to Hell and reborn again or just die and die. I don't know, I just feel my time's up. Damn. I know I sound fucking depressed but I don't know what's the problem. Nothing feels right, anymore. I tried my best to ignore those shit but my mind just come into 'I-am-depressed-mode' all the time ): I don't know what the shit I can do about it! ): It is sickening, you know. You tried your best, but in the end the emotions just kept coming. Hardly anyone will ask 'What happen?', I rather I ignore all shit and be happy everyday till the day I cry out loud. Maybe I won't even have the idea why the fuck am I crying. But that's the only way things will work out fine for my emotions. I guess. I sound like some emo bitch, sounding so damn fucking emotional and need a hug. How I wish hugs are free and available. But seriously they don't seemed to be around.

I wished I am in Starbucks right now enjoying a cup of coffee, savoring the taste of life. I know I sound like some old woman that needs a drink. But all of a sudden, my life seemed so crap. I have a dad and a mom, dad gives up on me. Mom just nags at me everyday to search a job. If only they know the reason but sometimes I prefer them not to know. I rather I suffer in silence, I bear the shitty things. Yes, I don't know why things become like that. But I do wish things can change. As I see many different faces in lives, I feel depressed and fuck up. Everytime when I thought of giving up what's beautiful, I think about why all the time I stay so strong to preserve it. I am failing badly, but I guess that's one of thing I am only good at. All the time, I thought things will be different yet eventually they are of the same. Oh well, guess this is how I face life. I can't do shit about anything. I am sad, but what can I do about it? Fuck it . ): For the thought for my future happiness, I am giving my all. But it never feels enough, I don't feel enough at all. I just want peace in my mind, I want a reason to feel happy again. I have a boyfriend, a family, friends but still, I don't feel enough. Because in all of these categories, I still feel like a fucked up person. If only my life is much better. I am not worried my Boyfriend will find other girls, cos I know he loves me. But still, what are the things running through my brain. I am lost, my direction seemed so bleak. I just want something to cheer me up. Maybe a cup of chocolate or coffee or sweets or sugary stuffs will be able to make me happy? I have no idea what cure is available. But I know I need one.

Life is a bullshit, because they never once tell me this part of life. To face reality, life is not bullshit. It's all about you have to face everything on your own despite all the fucking up and down b'coz nothing can change the fact they are there. Oh well, how nice of doing reflection. I am good with words, I suck with actions. I don't get fanciful life. I got 6 ex boyfriends, total shit in love. I got a family, total failure as a daughter, eldest. I got friends, but are they really loving me or am I just a hi-bye friend? I am a child of God yet I don't attend church. Well, guess this is me? How fucktard isn't it? I am a fucking bitch because I think a hell of a lot of things but no one can cure me, only myself. Guess this is how fucktard I am. I can tell the whole world that I am a paranoid, emotional, easily depressed, crazy, fucker, weird, crazy, messed up bitch. I don't do crazy things but my mind always want me to try things that are bad like killing someone. How great, I just reveal something I shouldn't. I think my life is screwed despite I am a virgin yet no period for a month, eating lesser and lesser just to lose weight, drank milk for the sake of fun and shitting like never before. How ironic my life can be. I am playing my life. I tell myself, period not here, I am cool with it yet in the end, I am not cool about it. I FEEL LIKE DYING. Am I dying, am I pregnant when I did no sex, am I having a sickness or what?! How shit can this be?! I can think like a hell of shitty things but in the end I am back at one Square one. I just want someone to tell me sweet things, pamper me all the time. I want good life, I want drink Starbucks, eat Goddiva Chocolates, wear sexy lingerie, live in a luxury house, have a cute puppy, spend loads of money in shoes, bags, clothes and be happy always. I want money, fuck it! Oh whatever I am complaining. I don't want to think anymore. I am going off and be positive. I need things to make my life back to normal. Emo thing, fuck off ! I pray you don't come back.

& I know I should have no regrets.
But life is being a bitch cos I have no money.
I admit I want money so damn fucking bad.
But for you I ain't doing shit just because I love you.

Labels: #1414

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