I love you.

Do you know, do you care, do you bother, do you appreciate, do you notice? I have no idea but I love you. Yeah, I am upset because you only come my blog when you feels like it or else when you don't feel like it, you never give a damn about my blog. Hell yeah, my best friend talk to me but you know what? Despite what she say, I did not once make a choice. What I say yesterday is not a fit of anger , not a moment of fury but a thing that has been running through my brain. You say I am controlling you, you say I am holding you so tight. I have been thinking about that a lot , have I really held you too tight? I give you your freedom of choice last night, but sometimes I don't understand why are you doing this. Is it so difficult to understand? We have been quarreling over meaningless stuffs, you noticed? You say I am being a fucker but I am not. I am NOT being a fucker, I am just doing what I thought you really need. Many things ain't going the way we wanted, have you noticed. I really miss the times when things were nice and sweet. Now we are facing crisis, cos I have become the shadow of my family, become the problem of your insecurity. But what did I do to make you all this? The freedom you want, the love you want, I am giving you. I really love you, but why are you doing this. I chose you because I put my heart into you. I don't know how tonight will end up , but I don't want quarrels anymore. I just want you to start trusting me, start believing me, start being happy together. Just because of a word, you become like that. I know I ain't the kind that care about what you do cos I trust you, but is it that hard to give me just a basic trust. A trust that can lead you far and our relationship can grow more. How much we gone through, is it so less till you don't even give me a single trust? It's not your fault, maybe it's really mine. It's me not caring about you and trusting you, makes you thinks I don't deserve your trust. I don't flirt, I don't hang out with boys, I don't do things that is beyond the border. Why not you just tell me you get so paranoid easily? We have been together for so long. Is it that hard to just love me normally? I am stubborn, you are stubborn, we are stubborn but I can do means and ways just to give everything to you. I ain't your dad, your mom, your brother or what. I am your girlfriend. If I believe I can give you that much, why not you try for a change? Endless fighting, endless arguing over one miserable topic, have I given so less time for you to not understand? How much tears we shed? How much you understand what's the point of fighting endlessly without getting an answer. You told that answer, you know you are selfish but why do you have that side of you? Yeah, you tell me you love me very much. Am I not doing the same? You love me very much yet you don't trust me. What's this? Please enlighten me. 

For you, I am doing all sake to make you happy. For a change, can we both make ourselves happy? I can't believing I am posting here. I ain't showing off, telling how fantastic I am, I only want to show you that your girl is a grown up, not childish I am. I am also not strong, I grow up because I am not young anymore. You say I am very good in words. If I am good in words, I won't get a D7 for English. Please, you're not young anymore. You rather say hurting words without bothering the thoughts inside me. I know I do say things that hurt you too but is there a point to keep hurting each other? Can't our relationship grow like others? Grow slowly, instead of getting from bad to worse. Is it because I did so many bad things in my past till things have to end up this way? I wish I can tell you how much I love you / I miss you / I need you but this time , all these words won't work. Cos all you think I bother about that topic. Hell yeah, I want to do so but cos I still put you in my ears, I ain't doing anything silly. Have we gone through so less? We have gone through all the times already , even sacrifices are done. Isn't that enough? What is truly enough to you? You know how much I hated quarrelling cos at the end of the day, the crybaby will be me. I will be that crybaby that you practically hated. I don't understand, you know. You say I become a fucker overnight cos of whatever whatever. But you're wrong, so damn wrong. You really expect to just let you yell / scold / shout at me for the rest of the days. I am just letting you do that all the way. I also have feelings, you scold me, I am sad. Cos I don't know what I did wrong. Everything you tell me rings in my ear. So what if body language doesn't show? Do you have to think I don't care. Your words can hit me for days / weeks and even months. You say why harp on it, it's not harping on it. It's cos you meant a lot and your words hit me pretty much more than anyone else. Now we are fighting something we can't escape, isn't it? I don't know why we have to drift this far apart from each other. My family? My past? I don't know , you know. Seriously, I don't know. I put you as my priority and just because you read my previous post, you think I put you as hell. Boy, are you that blind? For the past three years, what I have done is useless? I don't get it, you know. I am aching each day , telling myself I must be strong but you meant the whole world to me. How am I supposed to be strong. Have I done so many negativity to gain all this? I don't know if you will read this post or not, but I really hope you get it. My point isn't whatever you think it is, my one and only point is what's happening to us? I ain't stating any fabulous thing by saying how great I am. But just you to know, are you prepared to let go everything? Are you ready to say goodbye those memories? Let me tell you, I am not a single prepared to let you go but I am giving all the choice you need. Be it we meet later or not, the fate is in you. I just want to end this off with, "Baby♥, I have always love you. Never once stop. If you have insecurity issue, let's build that insecurity and make it secure again. I am sick of quarrelling and having tears. Let's start afresh, can we? If you think I changed cos of job, friend whatever etc, you're wrong. Is because sometimes it's about the choices I have to give people. I have to give you choices, I can't keep begging you to stay. Yes my family hurt you. Nothing can ease that pain but do you love me? Do you need me? Do you still want to hold my hands and wear our ring together? Everything lays in you. Be it you read or don't read this post, it determines us already. Yes, I know you know that I have to find a job soon. But trust me, maybe a week or so I will delay cos I need you to trust me. That's all. But after that, please know job is compulsory already. Please sit down at your chair and think. I love you, Baby♥.".

End of the post, I will write something that comes from my heart.

Have you ever loved Desmond Toh? Yes.
Have you ever wanted to break up? Yes & No.
Have you ever wish he changed for you? Yes.
Have you want to give up hope on everything? Yes.
Have you ever want to let go of all the memories? No.
Have you ever hope that he's nothing but all yours? Yes.
Have you ever wish he treated you very important? Yes.
Have you ever hope that he's nothing but all yours? Yes.
Have you ever wish he never say those hurting words? Yes.
Have you ever wish he never say those hurting words? Yes.
Have you ever thought like he's the last guy you ever loved? Yes.
Have you ever felt like you're so unappreciated, so useless? Yes.
Have you ever had any regrets being together for three years? No.
Have you ever hope he just throw all the things you given him? No.
Have you ever pray that miracles will happen between you two? Yes.
Have you ever felt so negative till you just want to end your life? Yes.
Have you ever wish he did something sweet and romantic sometimes? Yes.
Have you ever pray that he can be different from all your ex boyfriends? Yes.
Have you ever wish he could understand you more so this won't happen? Yes.
Have you ever wish when you leave him, he will change for the better for you? Yes.
Have you ever wanted / hoped / wished / prayed that everything can be that smooth? Yes.